Murderer

 

It didn’t take the prison ministry to help me to identify with murderers, all I had to do, unfortunately, was look in the mirror.

I was in college when I decided that someone was an inconvenience, in the way of my future, and I wasn’t going to suffer them any longer than I absolutely had to.

So, I paid to have them go away.

I can talk about it now, as the statute of limitations has expired, and I have repented to the Lord, but I can’t find the person’s mother to tell her how sorry I am for what I did. Even though I cannot be punished by the legal system for what I did, it still haunts me that I had someone murdered for less than $500, and the poor soul never saw it coming.

It haunts me all the time, even now as my wife and daughter talk about praying for something.

I was a junior in college, trying to get through forestry school at UGA and sell enough reefer to make ends meet or more. My girlfriend had moved in with me and everything was copasetic as some fool used to tell me about living with their girlfriend. I was no stranger to this arrangement as this young lady was my third live-in at the time. The other two were just as innocent as this one, as one I loved, and the other I just used.

This young lady was way beyond my capacity to appreciate, as she was very driven to succeed, loved her family, and worked harder than I could understand. And she went along with anything I wanted to do to make money, which was predominantly illegal. Her parents were Pentecostal and as you know about Pentecostals, they were incessant about the Jesus guy and all He could do for you and all that ‘nonsense’.

I only felt guilt when I was around them.

It always bothered me about how nice they were to me when we visited them, and her dad would be ridiculously generous to me, even knowing that I was sleeping with his 23-year-old daughter.

Go figure.

Well, winter quarter passed, and spring was in full bloom when “Sarah”, as I will call her, suggested we sell tropical plants the next summer, as she could buy them from a wholesaler friend in Florida. The previous fall she designed a Georgia football t-shirt that showed a DAWG holding up an SEC championship trophy and we sold them at a roadside stand on a major thru fare during the 1979 season… when UGA couldn’t beat themselves.

It was a great idea for the wrong season, so after the season, we sold the remaining t-shirts and the design to the UGA bookstore and took a lecture from them about using the university’s name without permission.

So what!

I was selling dope from the stand, too.

How about them dawgs?

Oh, to add to the injury, the Dawgs went undefeated the following season and the bookstore modified Sarah’s design to sell thousands of shirts as we saw them everywhere.

Like an old man once told me, “sometimes it just be dat way!”

Our life was going well, and I believe we were both in love and committed, as we did absolutely everything together, except that I had a very private reefer business that I couldn’t share anything about with anyone.  I don’t think she cared either way as she was focused on getting into veterinary school. We had sold the tropical plants and made a little profit, but I made the majority of money that funded our lifestyle.

So, summer had passed, and fall had started, and we were back to studying like crazy. Like many other students, we stayed up all night trying to memorize everything from growth and yield formulas for me to every bone and muscle in a dog or cat for her. And, in doing so, we fell into the trap of taking amphetamines like crystal methanol and a couple others. Our work load didn’t prevent us from copulating and that is where we got into trouble.

She got pregnant.

We were both extremely self-absorbed and driven to finish school and live out our dreams. Unfortunately, she was a couple of months into the pregnancy when she recognized she couldn’t fasten her pants.

Remember, this was before over-the-counter tests, so she went to a doctor and was given the news. She waited a couple of days before telling me as she wanted to absorb her predicament. When we had the conversation, I felt like I could marry her and have the child but really wasn’t all in, and I could tell that she wasn’t either.

We talked about all the drugs we had taken and the possibility that the child could have drug related mental and/or physical issues and we weren’t prepared for that kind of lifestyle. Our ‘logic’ justified our thinking that no one would want to bring a child into the world knowing they could have severe learning disabilities or worse.

So, we planned on having an abortion.

Today, I can’t imagine it, as my heart aches severely every time I think about what I did.

I drove her to a clinic in Atlanta and remember helping her back into my car after the slaughter of our child. She was probably over three months pregnant at the time and this poor child was probably completely formed and healthy.

And I murdered it. I murdered our child.

There is no acceptable excuse on earth. Murder is murder is murder. It was the slaughter of the innocent and I was all in.

I drove Sarah home in silence, and nursed her as well as I could, as she seemed to bleed nonstop for a couple of days. We tried to put our lives back together during the days and weeks that followed, but it was impossible and finally, she told me she needed to move out.

I begged her not to go, but I couldn’t look her in the eyes again. I was overwhelmed in what Christians like her parents describe as sin, like us living together, but from my perspective, what I was feeling was on a different level.

When she wouldn’t come back, I became hate-filled, blaming her for everything and when I spoke of her to my friends I used the ugliest descriptions I could to describe her, as I considered her leaving as abandonment of my dreams. I couldn’t possibly comprehend what she could be going through in her loss as a young woman, who could now never be with her child.

I killed her child, she didn’t. She just went along with my self-centered wishes.

I don’t know what happened to Sarah as she was dating a friend of mine the last time I saw her and she seemed happy in the relationship and that was good enough for me. I never got the opportunity to apologize for my transgression. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have apologized at all at the time as I could still justify what we did, and by the time I figured out the value of life, my wife and I had our first child.

And I nearly fainted when he was born.

I met my wife my senior year in college, and she suffered me in my slow maturing years. Oddly, I just listened to a conversation between her and our 27-year-old daughter. And, I think of the other child who goes unheard. Had that child been spared it would probably would have children of its own by now as he or she would be 36 years old. My heart aches in the thought.

Grace is so hard to explain, because it really isn’t fair.

I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve a second chance.

I should suffer for my transgressions, as I killed an innocent human being because they were an inconvenience to me. I know I will see that child and the children of many other such self-centered people in Heaven.

What will it be like?

I believe His grace is sufficient!

Abortion is murder. You can justify it any way you desire, but it is murder.

Jesus said that you are better off tying a millstone around your neck and throwing yourself into the sea than to harm a child.

When I taught high school Sunday school, I told the kids my story. My hope was simple.

Please don’t let anybody talk you into murder. Call me and we will figure it out.

A few years later, a young man who was a high school senior at a local private school, asked me what to do about his pregnant girlfriend, and I made my recommendation to him. Some months later, he asked me to go to the hospital with him as his child had been born and he was afraid of the girl’s dad.

We walked into the room and her parents were kind and understanding and he was allowed to see the child without touching. A couple of hours later, the child was headed to another state to be adopted by the girl’s aunt and uncle. When we left the hospital, he thanked me and went on his way.

And I cried.  I was overwhelmed in the thought that this one will live and I may have contributed in some small way in that happening. But, also, I still grieved about my poor choice. For most of us that grief never leaves.

As undeserving as it is, I’m one of His favorites!

 

THOUGHTS OF THE HUNTER KIND:

Recently on the news, there was a story about a woman who had placed a 6-month-old baby in a freezer to kill it, and she was charged with murder.

So, tell me…what is the difference in killing a child six months before birth or six months after birth?

The body is formed, the heart is beating and the child can’t defend itself. For me, there is no difference! Murder is murder!

At this time of year, there will soon be thousands of students going to college. I suggest that if your child is one of them, you either forward this message to them, or tell them that one poor choice should not end in another poor choice and hopefully, one day, they will be watching their child take it’s first steps in life.

PRAYER OF THE HUNTER KIND:

But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Luke 18:16 NIV

Lord, I understand that earnest repentance is sufficient for forgiveness, but that doesn’t remove the memories. Give me Your peace until I see my child in heaven with You. In your name, Jesus. Amen.